“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.”
Psalm 139:23 NIV
David wrote this invitation to God with the full knowledge of what God was like. He had already committed adultery AND murder and saw Gods grace restore him back to the David he was always meant to be.
Adulterer and Murderer were never titles God gave David. Instead He called him “a man after God’s own heart.”
Jesus is so sensitive to your brokenness. He knows why your heart is shattered and He doesn’t misplace your true identity in the behaviour that is attached to your confusion.
In praying a prayer like David did, we are essentially inviting Jesus into the rooms of our heart. But maybe as He comes in, you find some dirt on the floor that you try to cover up by asking “oh, where did that come from ?!”
Well actually, when Jesus does start to reveal stuff in your heart, asking “where did that come from?” is a great question to start with. “How old do I feel?” is another.
For example… one time I turned up to my work office on a normal day and the whole office was empty. I didn’t know where everyone was and had apparently missed a memo about their being a meeting on another campus. Minor details.
But my reaction when I saw the empty office actually brought me to tears. Feelings of abandonment rushed up to the surface of my heart so I asked the Holy Spirit to show me where this came from and I asked myself “how old do I feel?”
Well, I felt about five! And then I remembered that when I was five, I had a school trip with my class. We all went to the bathroom beforehand but I was the last in there (maybe because my last name started with Z and I was the last to do anything! Lol) So when I came out of the bathroom, the whole class had left without me!! Imagine as a five year old how devastating that felt. I cried and went to seek solace in my sisters classroom.
Fast forward maybe 25 years later and I’ve just realised that this response I had was not because someone at work forgot to tell me about this meeting, but because my five year old self had not yet had a healing touch from Jesus that reminded me that He would never leave me or abandon me.
When life starts to dictate your reactions and you find yourself acting like a child, my encouragement is to ask these two questions that I learnt in counselling training a few years ago. Then ask Jesus to come alongside you and examine your heart and know your thoughts. He will sensitively guide you into all truth about that heart reaction.
Dear Jesus, thank you that you know me. You have known me from before I was even born. Please start to show me where the areas of my broken heart have not yet been healed. Help me not to allow those things to overwhelm me but to allow you to overwhelm those things. Thank you for your mercy and your grace. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.